Tips for Being A True Friend

“For me, friendship is not an advantageous transaction or give-and-take, for me friendship is a certain overlapping of life.” – Sadhguru

Friendships – they can begin in a moment, but also last for a lifetime. A bond of friendship can transcend boundaries of age, ideology, culture and even geography. As humans, friendships are some of our most complex, but also rewarding relationships in life. But what distinguishes a true friendship from the many other relationships we share with those around us? Below, Sadhguru shares his insight into friendships, offering advice on the best ways to be a truly supportive friend to others:

1 – Have the Courage to Be Unpopular

Sadhguru: If you are a friend to somebody, you don’t have to nag them with what’s wrong with them; at the same time, you must have the courage to be unpopular with people. In just trying to be popular with people, just see how many stupid things you’re doing with your life.

In just trying to maintain some kind of pleasantness around you, see how much unpleasantness you have buried within you. If you bury unpleasantness, if you put seeds of unpleasantness into the soil you will reap fruits of unpleasantness, isn’t it?

The more and more unpleasantness you bury within yourself, you will reap a fruit like that. You must have the courage, if you really have a friend, you must have the courage to be unpopular with your friend, and still be loving with him. Right now, your friendships are always made on agreements, likes and dislikes. A true friend is somebody who has the courage to tell you what nonsense you are, and still be loving and nice to you.

On a certain day, three generals from the US Army met. They were on a tour of the Grand Canyon, along with their troops for some exercise. They met and the first general bragged about the courage and the spirit of obedience in his battalion.

“There’s no other battalion like mine. The level of courage and obedience is so high. real courage. Let me show you an example,” he said. “PRIVATE PETER,” he boomed and private Peter came running, “Yes, Sir”. “You see this”, said the general pointing at the Grand Canyon, “I want you to just take a leap across the canyon, NOW!” The man just ran, full speed and took off, obviously you know where he landed; smashed himself to death. Then the second general laughed and said, “That’s nothing, you see this one”. “TROOPER HIGGENS,” he yelled.

“YES SIR,” said Higgens doubling up. “I want you to fly, I want you to fly. It’s an emergency; I want you to fly and go across the canyon and inform my officer there about this.” The man flapped his hands and you know what happened.

The third general just kept quiet. “What about yours?” said the other two, nudging him. And they laughed saying, “no courage”. Some of the third general’s men were loitering around. “Hey you,” he said to one of them. “Look at that down below, a swirling quick-moving stream—a river, which is just two hundred meters from a steep waterfall. I want you take this message to the headquarters, take this cannon, and cross the river and go.”

The guy looked down and said, “General, it looks like you’ve been on your whiskey once again. I’m not going to do such a damn stupid thing”. The third general said, “See, this is real courage”. So be a little more courageous in your friendships. Be ready to lose them, it’s okay. At least if you care, you must do what’s good for the other not for yourself, isn’t it?”

2 – Make Your Friendship an Offering

But right now, for most people, the quality of their relationships decides the quality of their life. So let’s see how we can have the most beautiful relationship, every moment of our lives, wherever we are. If you look at it, you are trying to somehow make yourself happy by building different types of relationships and doing different types of activities. You make friends, you get married, you have children, you start businesses—you do everything—because somewhere you believe this will bring you happiness. You built all these relationships in pursuit of happiness. Or in other words, somewhere you are trying to squeeze some happiness out of people. Once you do this, relationships will be a constant trouble. You cannot do without it, you cannot do with it. There is no sense of joy or happiness within you, and you are trying to extract it from somebody, and that person is trying to extract it from you. This is bound to become a battle.

If relationships have to be really beautiful, it is very important that a human being turns inward and looks at himself in a very deep way before he looks at somebody else. If you become a source of joy by yourself and your relationships are about sharing your joy, not squeezing joy out of somebody, then you would have wonderful relationships with anybody. Is there anybody in the world who would have any problem with you if you are going there to share your joy with them? No. You are trying to extract joy from them, that is where the problem is. Relationships have become a problem because we are not using it to enhance our lives. We are trying to fill the gaps in our lives with relationships.

If your relationship is about extracting something out of somebody, it does not matter how much you manage, there will be constant trouble. If your relationship was an offering to the person who is next to you right now, then everything would be fantastic.

3 – Increase Your Understanding

Question: Suppose somebody is in a close relationship with me and is very important to me. Shouldn’t I expect better understanding from them?

Sadhguru: That’s the point. The closer the relationship is, the more effort you should make to understand them. It so happened, once there was a man who had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, with his wife staying at his bedside night and day. When he came to, in those few moments of consciousness, he motioned for her to come closer. As she sat beside him, he said, “I’ve been thinking…you have been with me through all the bad times in my life. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business went down the tube, you were there working overtime and doing night shifts. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house in that legal clash, you were right there beside me. Now my health is failing, and you are still by my side. When I consider all this, I think you only bring me bad luck!”

This is exactly what you are doing to yourself and to your relationships. Someone becomes closer and dearer to you only as you understand them better. If they understand you, they enjoy the closeness of the relationship. If you understand them better, you enjoy the closeness.

Question: This is easier said than done. It is difficult to always be there…

Sadhguru: It is not that the other person is totally bereft of understanding. With your understanding you can create situations where the other person would be able to understand you better. If you are expecting the other to understand and comply with you all the time while you don’t understand the limitations, possibilities, needs and capabilities of that person, conflict is all that will happen. It is bound to happen.

Unfortunately, the closest relationships in the world have more conflict going on than between India and Pakistan. In your relationships, you have fought many more battles than they have. This is because your line of understanding and theirs is different. If you cross this L.O.C., this Line of Control, they will get mad. If they cross it, you get mad. If you move your understanding beyond theirs, their understanding also becomes a part of your understanding. You will be able to embrace their limitations and capabilities. In everyone, there are some positive things and some negative things. If you embrace all this in your understanding, you can make the relationship the way you want it. If you leave it to their understanding, it will become accidental. If they are very magnanimous, things will happen well for you. If not, the relationship will break up.

All I am asking is: do you want to be the one who decides what happens to your life? Whether they are close relationships, professional, political, global or whatever, don’t you want to be the person who decides what happens in your life? If you do, you better include everything and everyone into your understanding. You should enhance your understanding to such a point that you can look beyond people’s madness also. There are very wonderful people around you, but once in a while they like to go crazy for a few minutes. If you don’t understand that, you will lose them. If you do, you know how to handle them.

Life is not always a straight line. You have to do many things to keep it going. If you forsake your understanding, your capability will be lost. Whether it is a question of personal relationships or professional management, in both places you need understanding. Otherwise, you won’t have fruitful relationships.