Who among us does not strive for peace and harmony? We seek those qualities in our relationships, be they with family, friends, or peers. Yet conflict can often happen, due to individual viewpoints and beliefs. A lack of communication, an inability to listen to others, and an inability to accept that most of what we say and think is only an opinion can exacerbate already existing problems.
Outside events, such as financial issues, work schedules, and unforeseen accidents and problems can make the ability to maintain harmony difficult. As well as what results from these issues, the methods adopted to resolve them might not be acceptable to all of the parties involved. Frequently anger and even violence can set in, furthering the lack of communication. Sometimes family members can hold grudges for days, or even years.
Life can throw anything our way; sometimes it seems to be favorable, and sometimes not. Sadhguru explains how to turn family problems and conflicts into something beneficial.
Sadhguru: Family is a good training ground for you to know your limitations. You are cocooned with a certain number of people – which means every day, whatever you do, you have to step on each other’s toes. There are things they do that you hate, but still you have to be with them. It isn’t like your Facebook family of 10,000 – if there is someone you don’t like, you click him out.
Family is a beautiful place for you to grow beyond your likes and dislikes. Your likes and dislikes are the basis of compulsiveness within you. When you are stuck up with likes and dislikes, consciousness is out of the question. The moment you like or dislike something, you naturally behave compulsively – favorably compulsively to what you like, in a reactive way compulsively to what you do not like.
Family is a cocoon where, whether you like it or not, you have to be with these people for a certain period of time. Either you make this a bitter experience, or you learn to transcend your likes and dislikes. Let’s say there are certain aspects about your husband that you hate. If after some time, you say, “He’s like that – it’s okay,” he has not changed, but you transcended your dislike for a particular type of behavior or whatever else it was that bothered you about him. If you become bitter or you resign, in the sense of “There is no other way – I have to put up with them,” all the pain and struggle of being with people will be wasted. But if you say, “Yes, this is how they are, but it is okay with me. Let me go on with these people joyfully,” you consciously transcend.
When you transcend your likes and dislikes, unknowingly, you become conscious. Unknowingly, you turn spiritual, which is the best way to turn spiritual. Not by saying “I am going to take a spiritual path” but because as a life, you became conscious enough to transcend your limitations, likes, and dislikes and you turned spiritual, without attaching the word spiritual to it. The best way to become spiritual is to consciously evolve to a point where you are not compulsorily reactive anymore. Family is a good place for you to train yourself towards that. You are not trapped in this forever. Whatever kind of family you live in, it is only for a certain period of time. You must use this period of time to transcend your likes and dislikes.
If people around you do not agree with you, you are in a very good place. I always tell people in the ashram, “Choose someone that you cannot stand and learn to work with them, joyfully. It will do wonders to you.” If you choose to be with someone you like, you will become compulsive to be only with those sorts of people. Family is not the problem. Your wanting to be with what you like is the problem. Don’t choose what you like. See how to make what is there wonderful. What comes to you is not your business. What you make out of it is your business.
People say things like, “Oh, it’s a gorgeous day” or “It’s a bad day” depending on the weather. Just because there are clouds, it is not a bad day. Leave the weather to nature. One day sun, another day clouds; one day rain, another day snow. It’s all right. If it’s sunny, you go bare-chested; if it’s raining, you go with a raincoat; if it’s snowing, you go with a snowboard; no matter what, it is up to you to make it a good day.
Similarly, do not bother about who is sitting around you right now. You make this a wonderful process of sitting with this person. This does not mean you have to sit with them forever. Everyone comes and goes. Either they come and go or you come and go. Whoever is here, whatever is here, make the best out of it for now. If you have other choices, you can change, but the important thing is that you joyfully change. It should happen out of conscious choice, not out of compulsion: that, because you cannot be here, you have to jump somewhere else. If you leave in such a state, wherever you go you will be the same. If you do not know how to make it here, you do not know how to make it anywhere.
Right now, you have to be there. So many times. It’s not just you. Every one of us is trapped with people and situations we definitely do not want to be in. Where we are is never entirely our choice. But what we make out of it is entirely our choice. Exercise it. If you exercise it, the outside will also slowly become a choice. Over a period of time, you will see that naturally, situations will arrange around yourself in a most beautiful way.
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